Are we not buying enough greeting cards in this country? Why else would there be a day to celebrate bosses, the people who, by and large, are the least deserving of a day of special recognition?
The boss is the enemy. I’ve had bosses who have double-talked, misrepresented the truth, made outrageous demands, refused to pay overtime, forced me to use my personal vehicle for company business, withheld promised raises, lied to my face, humiliated me in front of my fellow employees, and then denied my unemployment claim after they fired me under false pretenses. And that was just one job.
Wikipedia defines Boss’s Day as a “secular holiday.” Are you shitting me? President’s Day is a secular holiday. Boss’s Day is a marketing campaign invented by somebody’s boss at American Greetings. There are some working people who deserve a special day of recognition, for sure. But it’s not bosses. Or secretaries. Secretaries Day might be even stupider than Bosses Day. (“Linda, since you’re the secretary, why don’t you go ahead and take up a collection from everyone in the office to buy yourself a floral arrangement. And go ahead and call the bakery and order yourself a cake. And could you pick these things up on your lunch hour? Thanks. Go get me some coffee.”)
No, secretaries don’t need a special day, although they deserve it more than bosses. You know who needs a day? Chambermaids. I’ve occasionally left a hotel room in such condition that it would take two days and an Environmental Impact Statement to restore it to rentable condition. Drawers stuffed with used condoms, the ice bucket full of vomit, smelly wet towels covering all the bland paintings, TV remote floating in the toilet, sink full of broken tequila bottles, and the DNA-covered mattress standing in the bathtub. I’d be willing to buy that maid a card.
Local TV news anchors also deserve a day of recognition. A day when we can all say, “We know it’s the dolts in the control room who keep showing the wrong video to the wrong story, but you’re the one who comes off looking like an idiot.” I might consider a Weatherman’s Day, but they’ll have to stop making up words like “graupel,” “insolation,” and “monsoonal erection.”
Do teachers deserve a special day? Why, the school board already gives them one, two or three times a month. They close the schools on random weekdays so they can have “conferences” and “training” and other meetings that for some reason can’t take place in the summer, when the rest of us are still working. If you want to bitch about No Child Left Behind, you have to show up to the classroom.
My thought is that the people who work the most thankless jobs deserve the most recognition. Top of the list would be Parents Day, but it would have to be facilitated by their kids, so forget it. Speaking of drinking, bartenders deserve a day. Bartenders who keep the cocktail at your elbow full, not coffee bar “baristas” who manage to make you a cup of joe without screwing it up. Grocery store cashiers who hear the same joke 300 times a day but still manage a smile after an eight-hour shift, not neck-tattooed convenience store slackers who can’t make change for a quarter without having the cash register do the math. Give a day to food servers who juggle the needs and whims of thirty people at once, not the spaced-out high school kid behind the counter at A&W who can’t tell you if the French fries contain potatoes without calling a manager.
Boss’s Day is only the latest in a disturbing trend of fake holidays that have been introduced only to induce guilt in those who ignore them. If you don’t send Nana a card on Grandparents Day, well, you self-absorbed little whelp, you can just forget about that annual $50 check on your birthday. On that note, it would seem fair to have Grandkids Day, since they’re the ones who have to sacrifice a precious weekend day of fun to put on good clothes and go listen to you tell stories at the nursing home, where it smells like urine and regret.
What’s that? You didn’t wave the Stars and Stripes in front of your house on Flag Day? Why do you hate this country, you homo? You drove an SUV on Earth Day? Why, I should beat you about the head and neck with my Birkenstock. Mother-In-Law Day. Earth Day. Arbor Day. Groundhog Day. National Flip-Flop Day. Cow Appreciation Day. Good gawd a-mighty, deliver me from this bogus waterfall of forced appreciation.
On the other hand, I might be rushing to judgment on this whole Boss’s Day thing. You know what? My boss is a peach. I think he deserves a thick steak for lunch this Friday. Yeah, and a couple of pints to wash it down. Then perhaps nine holes of golf, followed by a nap. My treat.
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